Today I’ve made less than $2. Falling behind is nothing new for me. I have been lagging my whole life but now I really feel asea.
I am stuck in a situation that vastly limits my options. That combined with my chronic depression and anxiety leaves me searching for answers that don’t appear to exist. I desperately need change but there is none to be found. My depression has robbed me of any energy or motivation so I fall further behind every day which only deepens my depression. I want out of this town. This life. But there are no paths to freedom.
I need a break. It’s not coming. Where do I go from here? How the hell do you make things better when you live in a place devoid of opportunity? Every moment my soul is dying and I feel powerless to stop it.
I just want Toronto. I have no big dreams. Once you’ve lived without most things you really only desire things most people take for granted. Like hot water. I haven’t had any in 2 years. The water heater broke and I’m way to broke to replace it. So a hot shower? #lifegoals
If I didn’t have my best friend I’m not sure I could keep hanging on. I survive to survive. I wake up so I can struggle. Every day I have a moment where I go “well, only a miracle can save me now.” And that’s the truth. I’m too in the hole to dig myself out. To bankrupt as a person–mentally, emotionally, financially. People who don’t live in small areas don’t realize how crippling it is to your dreams. To move I need money, a lot of it to see Toronto, but I live in an area where I’d be lucky to score a $10 job. LUCKY. So I continue my march of misery. Anyways, let me go try to make that $2 into $3 so I can eat for a day.