I’m bad at titling

I wish I could a professional encourager. I’m fairly certain this is not a /real/ thing but it SHOULD BE.

The impact of encouragement is immeasurable. Being able to walk the line of supporting, challenging, and pushing a person forward is a skill. A skill that everyone should work on developing in themselves.

You can play a part in altering someone’s life for the better and that is an amazing feeling. To have someone tell you that you have made them happier with themselves, more accepting of themselves, and more comfortable in their own skin is a feeling that can only be fully appreciated by experiencing it.

If you have someone in your life you care deeply for support them OUT LOUD, accept them AGGRESSIVELY, let them know they are SPECIAL to you. Support has the power to transform and you have the power to support.

Now I just gotta figure out how to make this into a lucrative business model because Canada continues to call to my soul.



My brain says stay….

I’ve never been much for journaling or keeping a diary. I’m too self critical to handle it. But my brain keeps saying keep at this, just write, don’t stop. So I guess I’m going to continue to make an effort.

I, however, will not be going back to read over things I’ve written. I start to dissect myself and it becomes a loop of negative feedback in my head. Fingers crossed my ideas come out cogent the first go round.

The psychologist I had for eight months kept circling back to writing down my thoughts but I remained reticent. Take a look at me now, Dr. Dude. I mean you retired and all so I’ll never see you again. BUT MY SENTIMENT STANDS.


What do you do when there’s nothing to do?

Today I’ve made less than $2. Falling behind is nothing new for me. I have been lagging my whole life but now I really feel asea.

I am stuck in a situation that vastly limits my options. That combined with my chronic depression and anxiety leaves me searching for answers that don’t appear to exist. I desperately need change but there is none to be found. My depression has robbed me of any energy or motivation so I fall further behind every day which only deepens my depression. I want out of this town. This life. But there are no paths to freedom.

I need a break. It’s not coming. Where do I go from here? How the hell do you make things better when you live in a place devoid of opportunity? Every moment my soul is dying and I feel powerless to stop it.

I just want Toronto. I have no big dreams. Once you’ve lived without most things you really only desire things most people take for granted. Like hot water. I haven’t had any in 2 years. The water heater broke and I’m way to broke to replace it. So a hot shower? #lifegoals

If I didn’t have my best friend I’m not sure I could keep hanging on. I survive to survive. I wake up so I can struggle. Every day I have a moment where I go “well, only a miracle can save me now.” And that’s the truth. I’m too in the hole to dig myself out. To bankrupt as a person–mentally, emotionally, financially. People who don’t live in small areas don’t realize how crippling it is to your dreams. To move I need money, a lot of it to see Toronto, but I live in an area where I’d be lucky to score a $10 job. LUCKY. So I continue my march of misery. Anyways, let me go try to make that $2 into $3 so I can eat for a day.


How do I even begin…

…I guess I don’t.

You’re joining the story after it’s started. Here I am now. Desperate for different. I’m chasing Toronto because I’m seeking an ever diminishing chance at happiness.

I know Toronto is impossible. I can’t even afford the $20 charge to get a copy of my birth certificate. Just getting a passport is a dream scenario at the point. But there’s still this 2% part of me that can’t let go of Toronto. Because who wants to completely give up on happy?

“Why Toronto specifically?” asks you, the random internet person. That’s where my soul mates lives. The man I spend every day wishing I could be near. The first person in my entire life to know me and not flinch. My platonic life partner.

Imma go now and wonder if this is all a mistake.